Doing "Number 2" in Public Restroom. (In 12 Easy Steps)


First of all, let me note that doing "number 2" in a public restroom is never a good idea, and should only be done in the direst of emergencies. Although great progress has been made in recent years with the widespread availablilty of disposable wax lid covers and "smart" toilets (they can play chess and flush themselves with you step away) from time to time, you may find yourself in RoadStop Rick's restroom with 4 bean burritos trying to crawl out. It is for times such as these this guide is written.

Step 1: Lock the stall, so no one else can barge in on you. If you have a "shy intestine", you might want to consider locking the restroom door itself.
Step 2: Pull off 3 feet of toliet paper, and throw it into the toilet.
Step 3: Before you do anything, flush the toilet. Prefereably with your FOOT. Land sakes, who knows who or what used that thing before you did. By flushing the paper, you ensure that you won't actually come in contact with paper someone else might have touched.
Step 4: Pull off 6ft of toilet paper and wipe the surface of the toilet. Icccck! Throw offending paper into potty.
Step 5: Flush again. Hey, it can't hurt.
Step 6: Pull off 4ft of toilet paper, and toss into the potty. Don't flush, however. This will serve as a "splash deadener", and trust me, you don't want splashed.
Step 7: Pull off 3 4'ft sections of toilet paper, or 3 lid guard sheets (I hoard these things) Lay 3-ply over the toilet rim.
Step 8: Disrobe, being careful to look back and note exactly where the toilet is. This could also be a good time to double check the lock, or make a small hacking noise, alerting others in the area that your stall is taken.
Step 9: Hovering 3-6 inches over lid, do your "business", being careful not to actually sit down on the lid. The paper lining the lid is there as a precaution only.
Step 10: Upon finishing, dress, and, with your shoe, flush the toilet.
Step 11: Wash hands in sink. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Step 12: Visit local health clinic. (just in case)

-David "D'oh! I forgot the part about wiping yourself!" Orth